Do I trust God?

I like to think that I had the perfect job for me this year.

(I should probably put something about how being a mom is actually the perfect job, but I kind of sit in the boat that says - I do a little bit better at staying home with my kids when I go work somewhere else for a couple days. - Gasp in horror and call me a rebel if you need. Maybe you won't think I'm so evil if I tell you that I worked three days a week this year and would much prefer to only work two.)

I love working in a high school, I love the students, I love the things they're learning, I love the environment, and I love the role of the SLP in a high school. I rarely ever had that sinking feeling of dread about the day when walking into work. I'm sure it helped that one day a week I got to work with Kyla. 

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To say I was a little torqued when I found out I don't get to go back to my perfect job for me would be an understatement. Usually when educators get to the last few months of the school year, they start counting down the days until summer with extreme eagerness. When I saw how many days were left it just made me want to cry. Yesterday was my last day and I started getting all teary eyed in the parking lot before I even got out of my car. (Thankfully I got a grip for the rest of the day and didn't lose it until Elliana said good bye to a little friend at daycare.) I am so sad that I won't get to stay with my students and see them graduate, and since I really love this job I'm almost dreading working with elementary students next year. If you're reading this and you're my employer, don't worry, I'll eventually get over it.

I've been a bit mad at God over it all. Why shouldn't I get to stay at a job that I think is perfect for me? In the book I last finished, The Same Kind Of Different As Me, which is essentially a very interesting and moving autobiography of two people, one of those two people writes this:

There's somethin I learned when I was homeless: Our limitation is God's opportunity. When you get all the way to the end of your rope and there ain't nothin you can do, that's when God takes over. I remember one time I was hunkered down in the hobo jungle with some folks. We was talkin 'bout life, and this fella was talkin, said, "People think they're in control, but they ain't. The truth is that which must befall thee must befall thee. And that which must pass thee by must past thee by." (169)

Does it make sense to say my life is not my own? Do I really think that I want to be in control of my own life? My mom and I were talking about something that worries us, and she said she just has to ask herself, "Do I trust God?"   So I think it completely stinks that I have to leave the job that I think is perfect for me, but I've had to ask myself, "Do I trust God?" Really, trusting Him on the issue is really my best option because being angry about it just makes this ugly pit of discouragement fill me up.

I'm not in control of the plan for my life, but I'm trusting God to have a plan for me that far surpasses what I would get out of staying at my perfect job (and crying every now and then because I'm sad it's not the plan  I wanted).

HIS little feet

Follow this lovely link -----> HIS little feet  <------ and you'll see the captivating smiles of the 15 children who led our church in worship this morning. I was teary through the whole thing. I went to their concert this evening and started getting teary all over again.

It is so sad to me that they are orphans, but what really made me cry was their joy. They sang the song "Blessed Be Your Name" like they meant it. Only God can bring children who have had terrible life circumstances to a point where they can praise him and have an impact on people across our country. They certainly had an impact on me; they showed me that whatever my circumstances, God can keep my heart still praising Him. I also decided we need to adopt two siblings from another country. Doesn't everyone feel that way though, or is it just me?

Speaking of adoption...

...my brother became my brother when he was 14 months old. Yesterday he graduated from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. That made me teary too. My tear ducts are working I guess. The smart school that decides to hire him will be getting a fabulous high school business teacher. Working in the schools, my heart swells when I see a quality educator in action. I have a sense Luke's going to be one of them. I'm sure it's partly because of the profound impact his two other mothers (a.k.a his sistsers) had on him. We were very good about making sure he didn't watch too much tv when we were in charge!

Comparisons and other 1/2 marathon reflections

One of my dad's frequently declared quotes is "All comparisons are odious." Well, when it comes to half marathons I completely agree, especially when I begin to compare how I looked after the race to the female who ran it in half that time I did that took the time to put make up on before the 7 am race. She must have known she would get her picture taken.

I guess I knew I would too, but I chose to go as unprimped as possible. Here's proof as I stand before the race with my fabulous running mates, Shauna and Charles.

More proof of my unprimped self as I stand with part of our send off team. Charles' parents and my sister-in-law to be were also there super early to send us off as well.

I'm so glad they sent us off because it makes the experience even more fun and because they were able to get a picture of my other running mate, who I need to name,

and a picture of me looking like I'm running. Looking like I was running in the pictures was one of my goals for this half marathon. Look for the shirt I always wear when running in official races. My cheerleaders say it helps them spot me.

Here's a closer look in case you couldn't find me or make out how 2 inches taller than normal and it actually looks like I'm running - focused, serious, both feet off the ground.

Speaking of cheerleaders, look at what Charles, Shauna and I had going for us.

(I believe the hair sticking up one the top of my head is my wings from last year.)

 Brad got the kids up early and out the door and was able to get to four different spots along the race to cheer for Shauna and I. Elliana cheering with all her might was priceless! They would've cheered for Charles too, but Charles could only stand about 2 miles of our pace and sprinted off to finish 20 minutes before Shauna and I. He wasn't wearing an orange under armor shirt either so I'm sure that made it hard for Brad to spot him as well.

With this amazing group of people and Brooke (who made Shauna and I a sign!) we were able to have 8 different spots where people were encouraging us on. Hearing them shout their lungs out during the last .1 mile was unforgettable. Thanks everyone!

(Only when you're on a high from finishing a race do you really have the nerve to put your sweaty armpits around your friends. Sorry about that guys!)

Now back to the comparison lecture before I tell you Shauna and my finishing time. (We tied all the way to the second if you're wanting to compare how we did.) Comparing half marathon speeds is completely odious. If I compared my time to the winner's, I could feel like such a slow runner; but I believe that would be a completely worthless comparison other than to note she's unbelievably fast. I was not made to run that fast. I most certainly couldn't have finished much faster than I did.

I don't think it's odious to compare my time this year to last because it does show improvement. It's a personal accomplishment for me and one I never thought possible, actually. Here's the comparison.

2010: average pace: 10:14 (and I spent at least 4 hours after the run in the bathroom or curled up in my bed while everyone else went to brunch) 

2011: average pace: 9:59 (and I only spent 15 minutes in the bathroom and was actually able to eat lunch!)

Can you believe my goal was 10 minute miles?! Scary considering I don't like to think I'm goal oriented.

Now please don't go comparing your would be or actual time to mine because that would be completely odious. However, I would consider setting a goal for yourself so you can have a great personal accomplishment as well. Continue reading for a possible opportunity...

So now it's over and I start to get depressed because I don't have a half marathon to train for to give me an excuse to run, BUT there is another run coming up that you can join me on:  The Havelock Run the first weekend in June.

I'd like to get together a team of 5-7 people to run the 10k, but if I can't find enough people to do that, I'd consider putting together a team to run the 5k. Let me know if you're interested in either. If 5 people from a team finish, the charity of my choice gets a donation! I failed at this last year but am trying again anyway! I need a reason to run!  If I don't have one, I prefer to not have to hassle with changing into and out of running clothes to exercise.

 

MORE Reading!

I just finished another book that I recevied for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review. My reading kick continues!

The Book:

It took me a few days before I read it to get over wanting to read the title as "Lie Lees" in Moonlight. It is true that the plural for the flower lily is lilies, but my brain doesn't like the fact that it has to say a short 'i' in front of an undouble consonant. Thankfully, the main character's name is Lilly, so whenever her name was followed by 's' may brain could easily just say "Lil Lees."

This book was great for me because I now have a better understanding of the "flapper" era. I'm terrible with history so "flapper" meant very little to me. I didn't think of the book as historical fiction until I was done reading; but when I saw it was, I thought back and realized I did learn lots of things about that time in our country's history while reading. Makes me appreciate reading even more.

I didn't become too emotionally attached to the characters, but I thoroughly enjoyed them all. It's probably good to read a book where I don't feel the need to pray and dream about the characters. I found the plot to be entertaining once I got past the first two chapters, which were kind of vague. I'm sure they were intended to leave you questioning, but I was a little concerned I wasn't going to enjoy the book.

Thankfully I did enjoy it and I'm guessing you would too. Just ask Brad about how I enjoyed it. He asked me once when we were with his family over Easter if I could be a little less anti-social. What's a woman to do when she only has a couple of chapters left?! 

After I get through this weekend, the next books on my reading agenda are Same Kind of Different As Me: A Modern-Day Slave, an International Art Dealer, and the Unlikely Woman Who Bound Them Together, which was highly recommended by the Johnsons and which my mom praised highly, and Sharpshooter in Petticoats (Sophie's Daughters), which is the 3rd in a series written by my mom's cousin!

Mom and Jill, you'll have to wait a bit on deciding who gets to borrow Lilies in Moonlight first because it's heading up to Amy, who is on hospitalized bedrest for up to five more weeks! If anyone wants to give a little shout of encouragement to her, feel free!

Funky

I just saw that my last post was my 100th for this blog. What an uninteresting post for the infamous 100th post! I've felt rather funky in general about this blog lately. As if you couldn't already tell that based on the randomness and irregularity of the posts.

My focus started as talking about how Brad is lighting things up and how I'm lightening up by dealing with my issues. I've been terrible about telling you what Brad's been doing, although he's had relatively steady work lately. (*PTL!*) I've already dealt with all my issues so I've none left to tell you about.

Ha Ha!

Actually, I just got sick of telling you about all my issues and thought maybe you were all going to start thinking I just liked to beat myself up on here. Who wants to read that?

So I've lost focus, which is actually one of the reasons I've been post irregularly.

The other reason I've been irregularly posting is because my mind is all wrapped up with a new blog I want to start.

You're thinking, "Seriously, another new blog? Would you just settle on one and stay there?"

Yes and sorry, I hope I will someday.

I'm no where close to telling you about the new blog because I so want to start this blog right. I want it to look great (but have no idea how to make that happen *HELP*), I want it to have a focus that I don't veer from like I've done with this blog (which I'm still hashing out), and I don't want to tell you its topics yet. 

I sort of feel like I need to have a little blog committee meeting. Any volunteers who'd like to be full of constructive criticism and helpful ideas? I'm thinking a meeting at a coffee shop just before bedtime so that I can get out of putting the kids to bed. My sister and I did that this week and it was FABULOUS! Anyone else get sick of bedtime?

Mostly it's that perfectionist tendency of not starting something because you're afraid you can't do it right that's keeping me from working on it. That and that my mind is a slightly full with all the MAJOR events coming in the month of May...

1/2 Marathon
My Brother's Graduation
Our 9th Anniversary
Wyatt's 2nd! Birthday
My Last Day of Work for the School Year
Brother's Wedding!

Perhaps I should put blog creation on the back burner for a few weeks.... :(

On the Lighter Side of Goals

Just so you don't get worried that I'm becoming overly goal oriented, let me tell you the first thoughts that came to my mind when I considered what my current goals might be for my kids....

Wyatt:  Needs to talk more
Elliana: Needs to talk less [only at appropriate times]

I know that "all comparisons are odious;" but when I compared those thoughts to what I remember reading on Breezy Acre Farms about how she has 3-5 character goals for her kids, I realized I have a ways to go to get on the majorly-goal-oriented-person ship.

Still on the lighter side of goals would be our financial goal for the year: to not spend more than we make. That's a little tricky considering the income of my fabulous self-employed husband is always unknown. God has consistently shown up in the last two plus years of self-employment; because of that, I have a lot fewer worries about money than I did two years ago! I know He'll keep taking care of us even if we currently don't have a very ambitious financial goal.

I probably have a subliminal personal financial goal: to get as many things free as possible. It probably borders on the line of an unhealthy obsession, but it's also personal entertainment.

Then one more reason why I laughed at myself after I wrote my last goal post (get it? ha ha!) - it occurred to me I write goals for every single student I work with at school. I referred to goals at work in that post but was talking about the ones we deal with in long staff meetings. I didn't even think about individual student goals when I was writing that last novel. Perhaps that's just evidence that I have very little problem with leaving work at work.

This now concludes my thoughts on goals until January of 2012. You may have to read more about my mission before then but that's still getting tweeked.

Goals and Mission

I've never been into missions and goals. Maybe I've been tainted by work meetings where we spend hours talking about them when I would much rather be getting my things organized for working with students. However, I think my armor against them is beginning to chip.

It started with my New Years Resolution. I'd never had one before but for some reason I gave it a try. I'm amazed at how the things I resolved to are becoming habit.

These were my top 2...

1. Be more intentional showing Brad love every day.

I need to improve on this one. I get more focused on #2 and he gets forgotten. Poor guy.

2. Be more intentional about spending quality time with Elliana and Wyatt every day.

I really like having this thought process in my day. If I do spend time with each of them then I don't feel guilty when letting them play alone. It's actually been a challenge to get QT with Wyatt lately due to his sister being so chatty and loving of attention, but I'm trying. I may not have even noticed that problem if I didn't have this goal!

These were the lesser items...

3. Make an intentional effort to read a book one day a week.

Clearly if you've been reading all my posts about books you see this has not been a problem. I'm currently in love with reading thanks to this resolution!
4. Intentionally train to run faster than my previously slow pace.

I forgot I put that as a resolution but I'm running faster than last year partially thanks to my new toy. Still no record setting but it's good for me.
5. You'd better bet that I'm going to be very intentional about my dental hygiene as well! 

I'm still brushing and flossing - nothing I didn't do before. I'm actually having a issue with biting the inside of my cheek so hard at night that I wake up in pain. Anyone want me to write an entire post about that issue? 

All that to say why I'm starting to like goals. Then there the mission thing. I think mission statements are more annoying to talk about than goals during work meetings. Let's just state the mission and get on with work!

Then at church on Sunday our pastor talked about missions, and I was actually so excited because I think I might have a real personal "mission statement"! Unbelievable that I could be excited about such a thing. You want to know what it is?  You're going to have to ask me in person or wait until I'm ready to blog about it. Anyone else have a mission out there?

Lot's of words. Sorry. Hopefully not a lot of typos considering the hour. I just had to get something posted so my friend, Keri, wouldn't have to email me to see if I was still alive. ;) Thanks for the motivation friend.